Clearheaded Confusion

Love Yourself

2009-05-06T22:48:00.001-04:00

After much monkeying around, I believe I have figured out how to get my sermon to the general audience. Because Blogger has weird hosting rules, I had to find a free hosting site. Instead of playing the sermon through this blog, you will have to click the link provided to download the sermon. The file size is only 40 mb. I would like to thank divshare for providing this service.

CLICK HERE FOR SERMON

The sermon was given at First Baptist Church of North East, PA on May 3, 2009.

It's barely noticeable, but the tape ministry did edit the sermon for two reasons. First, the sermon is going to air on the radio, so they had to cut out me saying, "I am going to read from the true bible, the ESV." Secondly, they cut out some of the early banter because I was moving stuff around the stage. One joke they did cut was "You know the sermon is over when you hear my father snoring." In all honesty, I wish the church would have given me the original copy, but I do understand the need for editing it.

The following is my sermon notes. Since I did not get the chance to read some of the passages within the sermon notes, please take the time to read them. They will expound on my thinking a little more.

You will know the sermon is finished when you hear my father snoring.

Please turn to Leviticus 19:9-18, page 146 in the pew Bible.

Pray for wisdom, courage, open ears and hearts.

Intro:

We live in the technological age of iPhones, iPods, and Myspace. It seems as if we live in a time where individuals are more important than communities – that our individual needs must be met before the community’s. If we have become so egocentric, then why promote self-love? Won’t that perpetuate the cycle? It seems ridiculous to promote self-love in a me society.
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, over 33,000 individuals commit suicide each year. It is the fourth leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18-65. On an international level, someone commits suicide every 40 seconds. If we love ourselves so much, why did youth suicides nearly triple between 1950 and 1970? Thankfully, in the last decade the numbers have been dropping, but still, 30,000 is a lot of lost souls.
Why do more than 8 million Americans suffer from eating disorder, according to the South Carolina Department of Mental Health? It also has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness? If we love ourselves so much, why are so many men and women suffering from these dreadful diseases?
Who do we blame for these suicides or eating disorders or low self-image? The obvious answer is to blame ourselves. We are fallen creatures in constant need of God’s grace. However, I would also blame the church. When I speak of the church, I am referring to the universal church, not necessarily First Baptist. The church should represent the goodness of God’s kingdom. Because we are the body of God’s children, we are called to a higher standard. We should be above this world helping it. It seems that either the church focuses too much on the individual, hence some of the ridiculous claims of the health and wealth gospel, or the church tells it congregants to deny oneself, which, at it extreme, may lead to asceticism.
Perhaps it will be good to understand the narcissistic tendencies of our culture. The term narcissism seems to be used anytime someone is selfish. However, the issue is much deeper than mere selfishness. In fact, I think it explains the increase in suicide and eating disorders, as well as many other major “self-image” problems facing the church. The late Christopher Lasch, a sociologist and author of many books, including Culture of Narcissism, states that narcissists “conform to social rules more out of fear of punishment than from a sense of guilt…These patients suffer from pervasive feelings of emptiness and a deep disturbance of self-esteem.” Later in his book, he describes how a narcissist views himself. “In order to polish and perfect the part he has devised for himself, the new Narcissus gazes at his own reflection, not so much in admiration as in unremitting search of flaws, signs of fatigue, decay.” There is an overwhelming sense of imperfection and a fear of failing. Narcissism isn’t selfishness rooted in self-love; it is rooted in self-hatred. Which begs the question, “how can one love his neighbor if he hates himself?” “How can I share the grace of God, if I haven’t accepted His grace in my life?”

Leviticus 19:18 states “You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.”

Varying Views

One friend suggested that loving your neighbor meant placing your neighbor before yourself. Since we often think of ourselves first, we should place others in that position.
One commentator suggested, “Many contemporary expositions emphasize the loving of oneself as the first step toward loving one’s neighbor. However, this may result in a self-love that never gets to the loving of others. To be sure, a low self-image plagues and even cripples many folks today, and our highly competitive society often adds to their burden, but many of them can be helped through psychotherapy, pastoral counseling, and caring small groups. But a low self-image need not be a block to loving others and certainly is never an excuse for failure to do so.”

I don’t disagree with everything, but the problem is more than just low self-esteem. It is self-hatred.
It should not be a stumbling block. In fact, loving yourself and loving your neighbor should work together.

John Stott, in his commentary on Romans, stated, “– “Instead we are to affirm all of ourselves which stems from the creation, while denying all of ourselves which stems from the fall.”

Likewise, he does not think loving yourself is prerequisite to loving your neighbor.

Author of “It’s a Playboy World,” Paul Banowsky argues “Self-love is a wholesome acceptance that releases the individual from personal preoccupation so he may relate himself to the needs and interests of others…The fundamental motion of self-love is expansion, while that of selfishness is contraction…The person who accepts himself is released to give himself to others; the man who is unsure of his own worth that he must constantly look inward comes to know tragedy of living only for himself.”

Self-love and loving your neighbor work together. In some ways, it is like an engine with enough gas and oil. Having only one of those things is not going to get the vehicle very far.

Learning to love through vision and action.

1 Corinthians 13

Do you fail the love test? Each of these attributes of love can be applied to the individual as well to the community.
Some of us fail and some of us are properly loving ourselves. Either way, we can learn from this passage and apply it to every situation, but especially when dealing with someone who struggles with low self-esteem or even self-hatred.

Five Understandings to Proper Self-Love

We are made in the image of God. Therefore, we should not be using self-deprecating humor, nor should we view ourselves as ugly. Granted, we are sinners. Read Psalm 139:13-16.
Yet, we are fallen creatures in need of God’s perfect grace. But we have our new self replacing our old self. Why should we hate ourselves if Christ is in our lives. Read Lev. 19:34, Romans 3:23, Romans 5:8, Ephesians 1:7-8.
Be humble: false humility vs. true humility. Self-pity vs. pity for others. We were slaves to sin, citizens of the world, but now we are slaves to Christ, citizens of his kingdom. Having been a part of this world, we (the church) must extend grace to those still trapped. Read Philippians 2:1-11; 3:20-21.
As children of God we are called to be holy. We must strive after it. Read Lev. 19:1-2, Matthew 5:48, John 8:11.
Love is communal. Love your neighbors. Read Lev. 19:34, Ephesians 4:25, 1 John 4:7-21, Romans 13:9. The law is fulfilled through love. It reflects the ten commandments just as Leviticus 19 reflects the ten commandments.

Close with prayer. Give us the strength to love ourselves the way you intended us to.

Thanks for taking the time to listen, and as always, leave some feedback.

With much love and peace,
Christian Eriksson

Letting Go

2009-05-04T22:58:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I preached at First Baptist Church of North East, PA on properly loving yourself. However, I do not plan on diving into that topic today, because in a couple of weeks I will have the audio, along with the sermon notes, available on the blog. Today I just want to discuss giving up worldly things.

The last few months the Lord has used my time at home to grow close to an older friend that I hadn't seen in years. At least twice a week we get together and hang out. Most of the time we end up discussing movies and theology, not always simultaneously. Tonight was no different. Both of us have been convicted of letting go of worldly possessions. In essence that means watching less movies, listening to less music, reading less novels, etc. It is not that we believe everything in each of these categories is inherently evil; however, should we as Christians watch films such as "Goodfellas," or "Saving Private Ryan," or any film that does not out right promote the gospel of Christ?

This concept is extremely hard for me to grasp considering the fact that a) I love movies, b) I love music, and c) I enjoy reading almost anything. My conviction tells me that I should stop watching films and devote all of my time developing my spiritual disciplines. Instead of spending hours reading worldly magazines or books, I should spend hours reading scripture. This isn't something we can justify through balance. For example, if I read two hours of Michael Crichton, then I should read two hours of the Bible. I should be using all four hours to read the Bible. In all honesty, I wish I could act on my convictions a little more.

All in all, that is my prayer request for the week. I am hoping to use this summer to trim back on my movie watching Any thoughts?

With much love,
Christian Eriksson

A Higher Standard

2009-03-26T16:57:00.009-04:00

Before I begin my original post idea, I just wanted to say that one of my favorite hobbies is watching films. Part of this activity involves tallying how many films I have see on any "Top N Film List" (n = any number the editors decided to establish as the essentials). Four days ago Yahoo published its Top 100 Movies to See Before You Die. Here's what I have seen so far, along with a few comments (in the likeness of Panella). In total, I have seen 73 of 100. A passing grade, nice.

12 Angry Men (1957)

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) - I am not a big fan of Kubrick, but undoubtedly, this film is amazing.

8 1/2 (1963) - Some people love it, some hate it; personally, I loved it.

Alien (1979)

Annie Hall (1977) - Woody Allen is my second favorite director.

Apocalypse Now (1979)

The Bicycle Thief (1948)

Blade Runner (1982)

Blazing Saddles (1974) - I don't understand the appeal of his immaturity (that is Mel Brooks).

Blue Velvet (1986)

Bonnie and Clyde (1967) - Not as good as I expected.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) - Paul Newman is quickly becoming one of my favorite actors.

Casablanca (1942)

Chinatown (1974)

Citizen Kane (1941)

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) - Really? Really? Ang Lee is terrible.

Die Hard (1988)

Dr. Strangelove (1964) - Not a fan, didn't find it that funny.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

Enter the Dragon (1973) - Hell, yeah!

The Exorcist (1973)

The Godfather (1972)

The Godfather, Part II (1974)

Goldfinger (1964) - Another choice I really don't understand.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1968) - Sergio Leone was a master. Personally, I liked "Once Upon a Time in the West" better.

Goodfellas (1990)

The Graduate (1967)

Groundhog Day (1993)

In the Mood For Love (2001) - One of the most beautiful films I have seen.

It Happened One Night (1934) - Clark Gable is great.

It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

Jaws (1975)

King Kong (1933) - I can understand the cinematic significance of the film, but I didn't care for it.

Lawrence of Arabia (1962) - It's long, but totally worth the viewing.

The Lord of the Rings (2001)

M (1931)

The Maltese Falcon (1941)

The Matrix (1999) - Nothing more than a flash in the pan.

Modern Times (1936)

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Network (1976)

Nosferatu (1922)

On the Waterfront (1954)

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

Pulp Fiction (1994) - I honestly didn't think I was going to enjoy this film, but I was surprised.

Raging Bull (1980) - Martin Scorsese, enough said.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Raise the Red Lantern (1992) - Well worth the watch. Extremely creepy, too.

Rashomon (1951)

Rear Window (1954)

Rocky (1976)

Roman Holiday (1953) - Gregory Peck is awesome. Audrey Hepburn is fantastic. The setting is perfect. Loved it. And it's a great date movie.

Saving Private Ryan (1998) - Spielberg makes a serious film, so what?

Schindler’s List (1993) - Another serious film by Spielberg, so what?

The Searchers (1956) - Don't get it.

Seven Samurai (1954) - Why, dear God, did they have to make "The Magnificent Seven?"

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

The Silence of the Lambs (1991) - If you enjoyed this film, which I did, you should see Manhunter.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) - One of the few musicals I like, but why isn't "Fiddler on the Roof" on this list.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

The Sound of Music (1965) - The hills are alive, but they wish they were dead.

Star Wars (1977)

Sunset Blvd. (1950) -

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

The Third Man (1949)

This is Spinal Tap (1984)

Titanic (1997)

Toy Story (1995)

The Usual Suspects (1995)

Vertigo (1958)

When Harry Met Sally… (1989)

Wild Strawberries (1957) - I loved this movie, but why isn't there anymore Bergman films on this list.

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

For those who have not been told, I have been accepted to Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. In the fall, I will be starting their Masters of Divinity program followed by their Masters of Theology, Lord willing. Throughout high school and early college I rejected the idea of becoming a minister. My desire was to follow the path of fame and glory. However, over the last two years, the Lord has opened my eyes and, more importantly, my heart to his Kingdom. The key to changing the direction of my life was the understanding of my role as his child. Prior to grappling with grace, I saw my salvation as only an escape from damnation; however, through the reading of scripture, it has been made evident that I am a servant to King Jesus. I no longer view my salvation as an escape from something, but rather, a call to something - a call to servanthood. Christ saved me so I could become his servant. In fact, those that he has called, he has called to servanthood. That, I believe, is the reason for many of the conversations and parables surrounding the master and his servants. A servant cannot serve two masters, thus he must remain loyal to the one he serves. This shift in paradigm will undoubtedly change the way in which we act and think. Ultimately, it will allow teachers and congregants to understand God more wholeheartedly and his commandments. I truly believe serving a perfect king entitles his servants to follow a perfect law. It is foolish to think that the law has been abolished. Christ himself states, "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished. Therefore whoever relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:17-20). Christ, as king, fulfilled the law to usher in the perfect law. I am not suggesting that we can follow this law perfectly; rather, we can now, through the grace of Christ, attempt to follow this perfect law. Even Christ seems to suggest damnation for those who preach otherwise (note verse 19). Truth be told, following a perfect law is not easy, and I have not studied the issue extensively enough to know how to follow this law faithfully. These ideas stem from my own thoughts and do not represent any one other. This is truth, as it has been revealed to me through the reading of the gospels.

As I consider and ponder my new direction in life with this invaluable truth, I have asked myself numerous times, "As a potential leader of the Church, am I called to a higher standard?" The answer is a resounding yes. Scripture is filled with passages regarding the rebuking of leaders because of their lack of obedience and their lack of setting an example. Moses wasn't allowed to enter the Promised Land because he disobeyed God and allowed his anger to rule over him. David lost the privilege of building the temple because of his inability to control his lustful desires. These men, chosen by God, neglected to live by higher standards. Paul's writing include specific instructions and qualifications for leadership positions. Even Christ tells his disciples, before ascending into heaven, to go and make disciples, teaching everything he commanded of them. In light of this, I wanted to evaluate my own life before the standards found throughout the Bible. Essentially, how do my actions reflect God's commandments. And for the next several blog entries, I would like to examine and expound on several New Testament passages regarding leadership and commandments. I haven't figured out if I am going to begin with the gospels and work my way through, or start with any epistle and bounce around. To begin, I will start with a self-reflection.

Pastor Bob has been preaching from the book of James for the last several weeks. Although he hasn't preached on this particular verse, I could not help but see the relevancy of James 3:1 in regards to being a pastor. James wrote, "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness." Chapter 3 focuses primarily on the usage of the tongue, I believe the first verse is applicable to all areas of teaching and preaching. If my spirit, philosophy, actions, and words are not made "captive to Christ," what business do I have leading his sheep? Am I currently living a life worthy of leadership? To be more specific, am I willing to let go of pleasures such as smoking, drinking, fine dining, swearing, and films for the sake of the Kingdom of God and for the sake of my weak brothers and sisters? I am not condemning these pleasures; rather, I am assessing their value. I enjoy watching movies, I like swearing, and I like drinking responsibly; but if they hinder my relationship to God or my fellow man, then I should cease doing them. I am often reminded of the example I am to set. At work I often hear, after I swear or say something crude, "and you want to be a pastor?" This response clearly demonstrates the higher standards pastors are called to. My call is one to a higher standard. As a servant of Christ, I am called to serve the perfect king and to follow his perfect law, so that others can serve Him. I pray that God will give me the wisdom and discernment to follow his creed.

One closing thought. Heather and I became engaged on March 19th. We are still figuring out a date. May God Bless Us.

With much love,
Christian Eriksson

Christ the Temple

2009-02-18T11:28:00.002-05:00

Here is an article I wrote for the Christian Chronicle, my church's monthly newsletter.

Christ the Temple

One of the most puzzling claims Christ made was "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up" (John 2:19). Two verses later, John inserts this editorial statement, "But he was speaking about the temple of his body." At first glance, it appears that Christ is eradicating the Jewish understanding of the temple. When dealing with this passage, we must ask two questions. First, is Christ trying to redefine the temple; and secondly, why does Christ refer to himself as the temple?

In reality, these questions are interlinked and inseparable. Christ never intended to shift the heart of worship from impersonal, law-abiding sacrifice to a personal, individualistic service. Christ isn't redefining anything; he is clarifying worship.

While Moses was atop Mount Sinai receiving the Law, God commanded him to build a tabernacle - a place of worship. Tabernacle/temple worship was not centered on sacrifice and impersonal relationships. God designed a means for His people to have a personal relationship with Him; He allowed His Glory to descend upon His people (Exodus 40:34-38). Even the various elements of worship within tabernacle/temple illustrated God's intent for a personal relationship with his people.

Three extremely important elements for Old Testament worship were gold, incense, and anointing oil. The altars of sacrifice were built out of wood and gilded in gold. Incense was made from frankincense (Exodus 30:34-35), and when burnt, it represented the prayers of the people (Psalm 141:2; Revelation 5:8). The anointing oil consisted of several perfumes blended together, including myrrh (Exodus 30:22-24). The oil consecrated objects and people (Exodus 30:29). Anointing oil was used to bless priests (Exodus 30:30), kings (1 Samuel 10:1), and the sick (Mark 6:13). If you haven't noticed the significance of these things, let me make them clear.

From Christ's birth, it was obvious that He represented the temple. Consider the gifts of the magi. One brought gold, one brought frankincense, and one brought myrrh. They brought before Christ the elements of tabernacle/temple worship. With these gifts they were declaring Christ as the sacrifice, the priest, the king, the healer, and the intercessor of our prayers. In Matthew 1:23 an angel of the Lord calls Christ "Immanuel," God with us. Just as God's Glory descended upon his people through the tabernacle, God descended, once again, among his people through humanity.

Back to the two questions: is Christ trying to redefine the temple or worship; and secondly, why does Christ refer to himself as the temple? As stated before, these questions are really one and the same. Christ is not redefining worship. He is revealing himself as the "object of worship" throughout Jewish tradition. In a sense, He is saying, "You have been worshiping me for thousands of years, here I am." As John states in verse 22, it isn't until Christ's death that the disciples understand this important connection. And for those who really didn't recognize the connection, God tore the curtain separating the Most Holy place from the rest of the temple (Matthew 27:51). With the torn curtain God was ultimately saying, "I am with you." Why is this important? Since the beginning of time, worship begins and ends with Jesus Christ and a personal relationship with God.

With much love,
Christian Eriksson

Questions

2009-01-23T23:05:00.003-05:00

I have found myself mindlessly wandering the internet. Because of boredom and nostalgia, I have decided to write an update.

Since my last post, I have found a job and an internship. I am currently a "Sales Associate" at Staples in Erie. My shift has been Monday through Friday. I enjoy the work and the people I work with. However, I wish I had more hours, but I will take what I can. As far as the internship is concerned, I talked to Pastor Bob (of First Baptist Church in North East) and asked if I could become an intern. He seemed extremely enthusiastic and hopeful. I am not sure what I will be doing but I am hoping to preach one or two sermons. I may also get an opportunity to lead a ministry.

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. One thing I can't seem to shake is my weight. Currently I weigh about 225 pounds. It's not the most I have ever weighed, but it has been the steady weight for the last several months (possibly, the last year). Although many diet books and regiments will provide methods and foods for losing weight, I think few consider this question: How did you gain this weight? Asking this question can help the individual understand where they are coming from and where they want to go. Forcing yourself to ask this question forces you to reexamine your habits. Many diets will suggest people to drop this food item or that food item, but they don't really examine the diet as a whole. These diets don't question the reasons for eating certain foods. So, to begin wrestling with my weight, I will ask myself "How did I gain so much weight?" Disclaimer: I do not consider myself to be obese; however, several people have mentioned my portly figure lately. A healthy weight for someone my size is 185-200 pounds.

How did I gain this extra weight?

1. Smoking for two years! Right away someone is saying, "But smoking helps you lose weight. It increases your metabolism." Sure, it does that, but consider what smoking does to your general sense of exercise. Whenever I heavily smoked, I found myself eating more and moving around less. I moved around less because I couldn't breathe well. So, even though smoking raises your metabolism, it becomes counterproductive because you start to exercise less. For example, I used to be able to walk 16 miles in about four hours; but once I started smoking heavily, I could hardly walk up a flight of steps. As of now, I have quit smoking. I hope to remain on that path.

2. Drinking soda! I drink too much soda. Soda is terrible for anyone interested in losing weight. I only drink regular, but if you are a diet soda drinker beware. Diet soda is even worse than regular. Why? You are convinced it is better when it isn't. It does not help anyone lose weight. In fact, it is just empty calories and concentrated sugar. Why do I drink so much then? Well, I am addicted to caffeine; I have convinced myself that I need it to survive. Also, it becomes tough to shed soda from my diet when it is readily available in my house. Other side effects of soda are acid reflux and interference with muscle building.

3. I am eating too much fatty foods. This makes sense, but I need to state it anyway. But not only do I eat fatty foods, I eat too much food in general. I eat for three. My vices are bacon, meats, and eggs. I need to concentrate on eating protein that comes in vegetables. I need more salads and rice.

4. I have relied too much on a vehicle! As I stated before, I used to walk quite a bit, but now, with a license and all, I drive. Instead of walking for forty minutes, I end up driving for five. I arrive earlier but fatter.

I am sure there are other reasons for me gaining weight, but I can't really think of them. As I think about my future (and a future filled with children), I get depressed by my weight. I need to get off my fat ass and work towards joy. I am not saying I hate who I am, but I can see the danger of who I am becoming. I want to enjoy my life with Heather and my family. I need to make a conscientious effort to reduce my bad habits and start creating healthy ones. As a side note, I am thinking about living kosher. I don't have time to expand on reasons why, but if you have any comments, I would love to hear them.

Another question. This one comes from "The Book of Questions," and was merely chosen because today's date was the 23rd.

Question 23 (there is a supplementary question, too): "While on a trip to another city, your spouse (or lover) meets and spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and that you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it? If roles were reversed, would you reveal what you had done?"

Yes, I would want my partner to tell me of the incident for several reasons. First, it's cheating. Second, relationships are built on trust. These reasons go hand in hand. I could not be with someone who didn't reveal their life to me, nor could I be with someone I didn't trust. If the roles were reversed, I would tell my partner what happened and I would ask for forgiveness. I wouldn't expect it, but I would be man enough to apologize.

The followup question: "How serious would an affair need to be before you would want and expect to be told about it? What makes hearing such a confession so threatening that most people would rather be deceived? Is this kind of honesty more likely to be destructive or lead to greater intimacy and trust? How much do you trust your lover? How can you be trusted?"

Talk about heavy questions, these ones are brutal. First, as soon as an affair begins, I would like to know about it. If I wanted to really be biblical, I would want to know when my spouse lusted after someone else. The same would be true if the roles were reversed. In fact, to be an example to my partner, I must be willing to share these painful confessions of lust. Second, these confessions are hard to hear because no one wants to know that a part of them was given away to someone else. Marriage creates a unity of oneness between a man and a woman; however, when affair occurs, the bodies and their souls are split into factions again. People would rather be deceived because they don't have to deal with the consequences of being spiritually broken. Thirdly, honesty is always constructive. Though it sometimes appears destructive, it will root out the true problem. Honesty will expose the reasons the marriage is failing. It can help heal the past and pave a stronger road for the future. Finally, I trust Heather with my whole heart. The amount of shit we have been through has only brought us closer to each other. Though we are broken and misguided children of God, we have come to love each others' brokenness. I can only be trusted because I am brutally honest to her and she knows it.

With much love,

Christian Eriksson

Almost a New Year

2008-12-31T20:30:00.002-05:00

Where to begin? Where to end? It's been awhile since I have written anything of substance. I am not entirely sure what I want to say, but since some friends have been asking for an update, I will give a more immediate response. Then again, maybe I will start from the middle of this year.

I graduated from Geneva College in August of this year. I walked away with a degree in History (minors in Philosophy and Biblical Studies), a 3.2 GPA, and no job. Reluctant to move home, I stayed in Beaver Falls looking for a job. From August to November, I worked part-time for a cleaning company. I was averaging only 20 hours a week, but then they cut my hours. They eventually laid me off, but then gave me my own building. However, $9 an hour wasn't paying the bills or providing a stable future. Finally, I decided to quit and move back home (hey the rent's free, for now).

Moving home was one of the most difficult decisions I have made. You probably asking, why didn't you go back to school. Well, when I graduated I wasn't entirely sure of what I wanted to do. So, I decided to take a year off to figure out my passions and possible career choice. A month later I figured it out, but it was too late to enroll in classes. In case you haven't heard, I hope to study at Gordon-Conwell and earn a Masters in Divinity. After that I hope to enroll in a doctorate program studying Jewish Christianity.

Anyway, moving home wasn't easy. All of my closest friends either moved from Geneva or still live at Geneva. Also, my beautiful girlfriend still attends Geneva (she finishes in May). Another reason I was uncomfortable moving home was the lack of reformed churches in my area. In April I became a member of College Hill Reformed Presbyterian Church of Beaver Falls. I love CHRP and I miss the strong, biblical teaching there. The church I grew up in is very different from the church I am used to now. I have no one to talk to about my beliefs. I take that back, I have people who are willing to engage in conversation, but no one to really challenge me. I take that back, the new pastor of my parents' church has been a blessing. Although he and I come from different backgrounds, we do see eye to eye on several major issues. His humility and his compassion is helping me to grow up and confront my own pride. He has become a mentor for me as I work toward a life of pastorship and professorship. I am grateful for him.

I miss my friends, though.

I had a job interview on Monday. I applied for a position at LECOM (it's a medical college). I won't find out about the job until next week. I am nervous, because I don't really have anything to fall on. Then again, I am not too thrilled about the job because they want me to work weekends including Sundays.

I really miss Heather. The last four months have been extremely difficult. It was the first time we really spent a lot of time together. We got on each other's nerves, but that happens in any relationship. But being away from her hasn't been easy. I miss her companionship, I miss her insight, and I miss her smile. I love her. She's the only one who truly gets me.

I hope all is well. I will try to write soon. Sorry for the sporadic updates.

With much love,
Christian Eriksson

Whatever

2008-09-13T02:03:00.003-04:00

I am pissed at myself. I need a lot of help, but I am too afraid to ask for it. I am a foolish person.

I am absolutely crazy about Heather, but I am afraid I may lose her because of my immaturity. Why can't I grow up faster?

Anyway, I need prayer and lots of it.

Christian Eriksson

Guilty Pleasure(s)

2008-04-09T23:09:00.002-04:00

I wish I had more inspiration and time to write. Ironically, the song I am listening to right now states, "So much to say..." The artist is Dave Matthews Band. I just got the CD, but that's not really pertinent.

During the summer, I will be taking a Creative Writing course online via CCAC. I am hoping for a few things to come out of this class. First, that I pass so I can graduate. Second, I hope it inspires me to write more. Third, I hope it helps my writing. Because the class is part of the "distance learning" program, I am not anticipating a difficult class; however, I would like to be challenged. Also during the summer, I will be attempting to write more in depth, argumentative papers regarding several different aspect of life. I need YOU to keep me accountable. Anyway, I want to write about different theological ideas that I am wrestling with, and in the same fashion, I would love to write some original ideas. Then again, there is nothing new under the sun. Be prepared for the summer - that's all I can say.

Speaking of summer, I am still not sure as to what I will be doing. I was hoping to work for Physical Plant, but that may not happen because of my status of non-student (graduating in August). If you could pray that the Lord will guide me to the right job for the next year. I don't want to leave Beaver Falls. I love the city, I love the school, and I just became a member of College Hill Reformed Presbyterian Church. As soon as I can, I will be participating a lot more in the church. I want to have a positive impact on my church and the community, but I can't do either without the strength of Christ - only if it is in His Will.

On to something a little more light hearted - guilty pleasures. If you know me, please don't hold this against me.

Recently, I jokingly told my roommate, "Be prepared, I am about to play some of the worst music on my computer." I started going through my collection and realized that I have a variety of tastes. Granted, I haven't listened to a lot of this stuff for a while. Secondly, I don't consider it a guilty pleasure because I love it. It's a guilty pleasure because I shouldn't own it, like it, or acknowledge its presence. For example, if I said, "Britney Spears is one of my guilty pleasures (she isn't)," I don't mean that I love listening to her music. Rather, there is something intriguing about it and when I listen to it, I feel nostalgic and recognize its impact on my life. Alright, on to the list.

1. Carman - Yes, I own Carman. I believe I received it as a gift from my parents during middle school. I was listening to it the other day. As cheesy as it is, I can totally understand why I loved it when I was thirteen. It was catchy and "Christian." I don't agree with his methods, his message, or his theology any more, but as a young, naive Christian, I enjoyed it.

2. Tesla - All of my musical friends make fun of me for having this band. Okay, I loved Tesla in high school. I had a limited Christian music collection. Tesla was a means of me branching out; however, I don't think it was the best band to explore the "other" culture. The lyrics are cliche, poorly executed, and downright stupid. Case in point, listen to "Caught in a Dream," which is just another attempt at creating an "Imagine." On the other hand, the music is catchy 80s rock. They did a cover of "Signs." Just in case you are watching, I do have a VHS copy of a Philadelphia concert they did back in the early 90s.

3. Enya - I still love her. I always will. I know it doesn't fit my criteria, but a 22 year old guy shouldn't obsess over her. I can't wait to complete this collection. I have three of her CDs, but I am still missing the masterpiece "Watermarks." She's still good-looking.

4. Eagle Eye Cherry - He's catchy, but all of his music is the same. He's part Swedish. I couldn't resist.

5. Train - A few radio hits, a lead singer from Erie, and I desire to be popular with the "cool" kids.

6. Halo Soundtrack - I devoted my high school career to this game. I can't remember the last time I listened to this CD. Several of the songs are great, but they're better in the game.

7. Star Wars and Lord of the Rings Soundtracks - I am a dork.

8. Cross Movement - Every Christian needs this Philly rap group. They're tough as nails.

9. DC Talk - They made me feel cool.

10. John Denver - He died in a plane crash. He was on the muppets. He could feel sunshine on his shoulders. The guy was practically begging me to buy his CD. However, only his popular songs are any good. The rest is this new age environmentalist crap.

Music I wish I didn't own.

1. Mercy Me

2. Michael Bolton - It was a free download. I am a freeloader.

3. Carlos Montoya - An annoying Spanish Guitarist

4. Nickelback - They suck. Nuff said.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my little rant. It wasn't something I really planned, but I just wanted to write so everyone knew that I was still alive.

Christian Eriksson

Distracted

2008-03-25T18:42:00.002-04:00

I am trying to write a paper for Cinema, which is a late. I am just so distracted. I have written three pages, but I still have four to five to go. I have to analyze fifteen seconds of film. The paper isn't that hard. There is so much that can be said about fifteen seconds of film, but I just can't get myself to constantly write.

Sometime this week the new Counting Crows CD is coming. I am excited. The CD came out today, but since I preordered it with free shipping, I have to wait another day or two. I was listening to some of the songs on YouTube. I can't wait. It's been six years since they have released their last CD. Ahhh, I am going to be lost in music for awhile. Anyway, I am distracted, if you can't tell.

Christian Eriksson

Vegetables

2008-03-23T08:58:00.002-04:00

When it comes to spiritual disciplines, I am about as disciplined as a criminal. The other day, Heather lent me her copy of Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life by Donald Whitney. You can purchase a copy here and I would highly recommend it. I am only about a third of the way through, but chapter after chapter, I have been challenged and left without excuse. J.I. Packer, a renowned scholar and author of the forward, suggest reading the book three times. After I finish Heather's copy, I will probably purchase a copy. The ten disciplines he analyzes are bible intake, prayer, worship, evangelism, serving, stewardship, fasting, silence and solitude, journaling, and learning. As stated before, I haven't finished the book, but these disciplines are intriguing and necessary (although I am not sure how Whitney will argue journaling is biblical).

Whitney doesn't leave room for excuses. He answers many objections to exercising our disciplines. For a personal example, I do not spend much time praying. My pathetic excuse is "My life is a prayer." I try to argue that God's sovereignty allows him to know what is going on in my life; therefore, I do not need to relay the message to him because he already knows. In a false sense, I was trying to convince myself that I already was living in constant communication with God. Honestly though, I haven't been living in communication with God. Using a technological analogy, I have put God on hold. The seemingly emptiness of my words is a part of my fear when talking to God; however, Whitney illuminated a very interesting idea. In order to live a fruitful prayer life, we must meditate on God's Word before praying. He sites the examples of George Muller, a Christian who received radical answers for his prayers. The other excuse I, and many other Christians, site as reason for not being deeply rooted in our spiritual disciplines is time. We are without excuse. In all reality, we have allowed time to control our lives instead of God. Time and individualism are the two poisons of the last two hundred years. We have to be at work by 8, so we get up at 7. We come home at 4 and we are too tired to do anything else. Dinner needs to be made, the car needs fixing, we need a nap, the kids need to go somewhere. We have preoccupied ourselves with ourselves. By the end of the day we have left no room for God, His Words, or prayer. Instead of conforming and transforming our lives to God's creeds, we demand God to meet our schedule. We are frustrated when prayers aren't answered, we expect worship to be on our terms, and we seek counsel when our therapist is on vacation. One of the major problems in the modern church is the blaspheming of Christ's ministry. We demand the iJesus. If we can't meet Jesus through technology, then He isn't worth meeting. This is a frustration I have to deal with, too. Whitney sites many of the Puritan top dogs. There are many people who cringe at the word; however, these people did not allow their situation to control their spiritual life. They used their spiritual life to control their situation. I want to rely on less of myself and more on God. So, how do I take my own words and implicate them with reality. First, I need to spend a part of each day reading, meditating, and praying through Scripture. It's food for the soul and must be seen as food for the soul. Second, I need to spend less time trying to gratify myself. The internet needs to be less of me. My film watching needs to be regulated. I need to find more time for God and less time for myself. Find a copy of Whitney's book, give it a solid read, and let me know what you think.

Yesterday I had a pretty interesting thought. I could not stop thinking about what "bearing fruit" means. In one smaller aspect, I think it is spiritual growth. On a larger scale, I think it is working with Christ for Christ to do His will. Spiritual growth is inward, but the works should be external. I do not want to sound critical of the modern day church, but we are constantly ordered to purify the church and right its wrongs (but only through the grace of Christ). There are many churches that promote internal spiritual growth. It is as if we are being trained to say, "It's okay what you believe, I won't infringe," or "I have a personal relationship with Christ that I don't want to impose on anyone else." With this mindset, we are no longer bearing fruit, but we are bearing vegetables. Think of the analogy this way, most fruits grow on trees. The trees are easy to see (and smell) and a person can recognize their fruits immediately. The fruit is out in the open. A vegetable on the other hand, grows close to the ground or it grows underground. Cucumbers are hidden by their foliage, potatoes are hidden in the dirt, and some vegetables blend in with their surroundings. Working with this analogy and what Christ has commanded of us, are we vegetables or fruits? In many ways, I am a vegetable. I am scared of people knowing that I am a Christian, so I tried to hide behind the walls of society. Sometimes I do not want to infringe on the beliefs of others, so I hide myself in the dirt and wait for the harvest. Fruits are different. They're spirituality is external. I am not talking about "Christians" who run around slam the Gospel in people's faces or engage in a spirituality that sees who can shout the loudest. I am talking about true, genuine Christians. They are so in tuned with God's reality and Will that they just can't help but shine brighter than others. They have no qualms about preaching the news. They do hinder themselves from spreading the message of the Gospel. You acknowledge their love for God by their love for others. So, my big question is "Are you a vegetable or a fruit?" Maybe we should rename the Veggie Tales series? Haha, probably not.

Anyway, I encourage interaction. I encourage change. I encourage you to read Whitney's book. Above all, keep each other accountable.

With much love,
Christian Eriksson

The Future is a Whore!

2008-03-06T16:03:00.000-05:00

The Future is a whore. You make plans with her, and you expect those plans to be carried out. However, she's unfaithful and you are left sitting on the doorsteps of the Present wondering where Future is. Feeling rejected, you seek comfort in the arms of the Present. Before you know it, she's pregnant. And because you are not suited to be a father, you try to run away. And the Present reluctantly calls her child the Past. The cycle continues. Each new child resembles you more than the others. Those that survive change their name to Memories, and those that die are Forgotten.

I have received a job offer in the last couple of days. It has nothing to do with my major, but I am not convinced that I want to do anything with my major. At least not yet. If things go as they seem to be headed, I will be working for a contractor painting and putting up drywall. If I do the job well, I can make about 9-11 dollars an hour. I will be working in Pittsburgh, which I am really excited about. I will be able to pursue my cinema desires. Also, I will be attending an RP church. I will be living with friends.

Granted, the first few months will be tough financially. But if I work hard, I can survive. Anyway, I have to continue praying about the situation. I know a lot of people are probably questioning this decision. First, I don't know where God is calling me. So, I don't want to be going to school and paying more, especially if I am not totally convinced ot the program. Secondly, Paul worked as a tent maker while serving the Lord. There is nothing wrong with doing manual labor for a couple of years. Finally, I do not plan on doing contract work for the rest of my life - just till I figure out what my calling is.

With love,
Christian Eriksson

Pleasure

2008-02-28T14:17:00.003-05:00

With a busy semester, I hardly find the time to finish a book that is unrelated to my schoolwork. However, I just finished It's a Playboy World (1969). Dr. Bill Banowsky wrote the book as a critical response to playboyism. "What it amounts to is that moral revolution has degenerated into the cult of pleasure and the code word for the new cult is 'playboy,'" writes Banowsky about playboyism (15). Even though the book is nearly 40 years old, it remains extremely relevant to our contemporary society.

The book is not a direct response to the Playboy magazine; rather, it engages the whole philosophy of the playboy. My original intent for buying the book was to be funny. The book seemed like a ridiculous Christian response to an ancient idea. However, from the first page, I was captivated. Dr. Banowsky illuminates so many false lies that still permeate our society. He philosophically criticizes the pleasure seeking way of life. But it is more than a response, it's a call for action. This book has challenged me to reevaluate what I believe. It has also provided answers to questions I have been asking or others have asked me. Unlike some Christian criticisms of our culture, Banowsky does his best to provide alternate solutions to popular thinking. Instead of bashing Hefner, he attempts to show the flaws of his thinking and point out more healthy solutions to Hefner's philosophy. It's a shame that his book is no longer in print (at least I don't think it is).

As stated before, Banowsky, through his analytical and concise thinking, clearly states many ideas that I have had but have been unable to state clearly. For example, the other day I got into a debate about whether Christians should have images of Christ. It never really bothered me that the image of Christ was inside churches; however, that mindset has changed. In the last year or so, I have really been thinking about idolatry and false conceptions we have of Christ. I strongly oppose churches have images of Christ. I do not think that the image itself is sin, but our response to the image can be deceivingly sinful. Many Christians may respond, "We are not worshiping the image, so how can it be sinful?" It's an important question; however, the second commandment prohibits the creation of idols or images. But does the passage only refer to worshiping idols? Can't we create an image of Christ without worshiping it? My response is "Can we really separate the two?" No image of Christ can fully depict the holiness and humanity of Jesus. The fact that we can identify a picture of Christ means that we have a presupposition as to what Christ looks like. Even though we don't worship the image itself, we have created an image in our head that we worship without even thinking about it. As I was trying to argue my position, my friend kept saying, "We are a visual people. We need to see a picture." My other friend argued, "If your child ask who Christ is you want to show them a picture." I could show a picture of Santa Claus and that does not prove or disprove his validity. Secondly, didn't Christ say, "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29). Anyway, I just ended up frustrating myself because I couldn't clearly articulate what I wanted to say. Then this morning I finished Banowsky's book. He wrote something very relevant to the discussion I was having with my friends.

If we are to survive, as a society with any real excellence, what we must have is a new moral revolution and the person to lead it is Jesus. Our greatest difficulty is that modern man confuses Jesus with visions of stained-glass windows and high pulpits. Our necessary task is to help our contemporaries go beyond the the popular caricature and to examine the claims of One who is honest enough to tell it as it is and whose ability to unify a man's life is not lessened by the intervening years.
"Gentle Jesus, meek and mild," is an absurd way to describe a Man who was listed by the authorities as a public danger. He exploded in violent anger at the sight of exploitation or smug hypocrisy, and deliberately walked to His own death despite the urgent pleas of His closest friends. Nothing is more at odds with reality than the average artists' conception of Jesus hanging on the wall of the average church library. His admirers have done almost as much to distort His reputation as His critics. 115

Amen. If you find a copy of It's a Playboy World by Bill Banowsky, then I suggest buying it.

Christian Eriksson

When Oh Lord!

2008-02-13T18:49:00.002-05:00

I have no idea really how I want to say what I want to say. I have an idea floating around in my mind; however, I do not feel that it is really appropriate to expound on it.

I just want to know how far I have to run?
How far do I have to climb?
How must I do?

Yeah, I am a jerk. I don't deserve to be back in your life. But what do you want from me so that you will accept my humble apology and my attempt to make things right?

Christian Eriksson

Watermarks on Stainless Steel

2008-01-18T18:14:00.000-05:00

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." - Matthew 6:34

The Hustler and Chinatown

2007-12-17T23:21:00.000-05:00

I was extremely bored today. I read several pages from Live from New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live, but I will get to that another day. I went to the library for an hour, or so, and started working on a film project. I hope to do a lot of writing while I am home for vacation. Then I decided to watch two movies back-to-back. And may I say, two great movies.

The first film I watched was The Hustler. I am not sure how much people know about cinema or what people do know, but The Hustler is probably not well known among my generation. Sure, there will be people who have heard of it, but they're the kind of people who smoke this stuff - if you know what I mean. Anyway, The Hustler is a must see. It's ranked 200 and something on the They Shoot Pictures, Don't They top 1000 films list. And it is ranked 209 on IMDB's top 250. Frankly, I believe the film should rank a little higher, but who am I?

The Hustler was produced and directed by Robert Rossen, whose work includes the original All the King's Men. Paul Newman plays Fast Eddie Felson, a pool hustler whose only ambition is to beat Minnesota Fats. Fats is brilliantly played by a cool Jackie Gleason. Every shot Gleason is in, you can't help but think, "Damn, he's too smooth, too cool. No wander he's the best." Fats is the best pool player in the United States and he hasn't been beaten in 15 years. Fast Eddie's first attempt to beat Fats leads to a 30 hour pool game; however, Eddie loses his cool a day into it, but Fats remains calm and cool. After recklessly losing his money, Eddie ditches his "manager," and heads for the bus station. That's where he meets the beautiful but complicated Sarah Packard. Sarah's complexity derives from her obsessive drinking problem and her disability, she's somewhat "lame." Neither Eddie nor Sarah reveal much about their past, but nonetheless, they spend most of the present together. Eventually, George C. Scott's character, Bert Gordon, takes Eddie under his wings but for a deadly price.

The film's dark. It's shot in black and white. The reason may be because the characters lack a heroic side. Each character is plagued by a horrible ambition to out do the other. The film was shot in 1961 and the language is tame, but the ideas coming across through the acting and the dialogue are anything but tame. Eddie's always hustling. As much as Eddie is hustling, Bert is hustling at least twice that. Sarah is an unlikely lady. She drinks excessively, she speaks her mind too quickly, and she lacks a sense of loyalty. Then again, maybe she feels betrayed by Eddie.

By the end of the movie, the audience may be cheering on Eddie, but his journey to the top is overshadowed by his own guilt and his own epiphany. Life isn't about winning to beat the winner. It's about winning what you might lose. In the end, I would consider Eddie a winner, but ultimately he lost more than he bargained.

The second film I watched was Chinatown. My friend, Luke, had been raving about the movie for the last several months. I've heard of it before, but I never had the opportunity to watch it. I am glad I did. Because the movie is a film noir, I am not going to give anything away. The movie was directed by Roman Polanski in 1974. Jack Nicholson plays J.J. Grittes, a private detective who has been hired by Faye Dunaway's character, Evelyn Mulwray, to find the truth about her husband's death. The film's writer, Robert Towne, presents many unexpected twists and turns which lead the audience shaking their head in disbelief by the outcome. But his writing isn't about the twist, that's what Shyamalan's for; it is about the characters and how they interact with each other. It's about a past we don't want to remember and a future we don't want to endure. "The future," cries John Huston's character, Mr. Noah Cross. A dim future it is.

Certain aspects, and specifically the end, of the film reminded me of Scorsese's Mean Streets; however, Chinatown has a cleaner script and a straighter plot. I am not talking about story line similarities, rather, I am talking about the feel. The way the characters come across; the way the audience relates to the characters. In that way, both films felt similar. Plus, there is an eeriness to both endings.

Polanski's directing felt very "ahead of the times." As I was watching the movie, I completely forgot that it was directed mid-seventies. Many classic films seem, well, classic. You turn the DVD player on and your first reaction is "Oh, yeah, definitely filmed in the 50s." Chinatown did not have that feeling. I enjoyed the movie, but the ending was hard to take. I am not surprised that it is in the top 50 of many movie lists.

P.S. Faye Dunaway was absolutely beautiful in the movie.

Night,
Christian Eriksson

DNR

2007-12-16T22:55:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I write these things sometimes. I don't know if anyone has ever actually read these. Well, most therapy goes unnoticed.

Early Friday morning I finished two things. At three in the morning, right before I crept into my bed, I finished off my final pack of cigarettes - at least, I hope my last pack. Around 9:00, after several hours of much needed sleep, I finished my semester by typing and printing off six papers. Because of my lazy nature, I didn't finish everything until a couple of hours before I left. Yet, in light of everything, it was still better than other semesters I have had. For example, last year I didn't finish until a month or so after school was finished.

The mental clock struck noon and I was sitting in the back of a van waiting to head home. My seventh semester finished. I can't believe I have gotten this far. The semester went by faster than the last 24 hours. It isn't that I don't like being home; it's just that I received bad news Friday afternoon.

I stepped out of Dewey's van. I unpacked my belongings, along with my sister's, and I carried them inside. Pumpkin and Gracie, the family greyhounds, greeted me at the backdoor. They pranced and yelped until they realized that I was the only one that was going to come through the door. They returned to the living room and I started heading for my room. There's a bitter-sweet nostalgic feel I get whenever I enter my room. It's almost as if the carpet is kindly telling me that I am no longer standing in my room, but a room I occupy. The subtle, empty unfamiliarity of the room quickly haunts me. The feeling will sleep with me for a few days, but soon the feeling is replaced by a desire for my childhood. But by that time, I am usually heading back to school.

There were three letters waiting on the dresser for me. The first was a bill from Geneva. I forget what the second letter contained. The final letter was earth-shaking. It was the messenger everyone wanted to shoot. To think that a letter can throw someone into an emotional tornado, but it happens.

When I first saw the letter I thought, "CTY, oh, this must be repetitive tax information." I was wrong. Dead wrong. Here is a portion of the letter:

In reviewing your performance from last summer, we have determined that we will not have a position to offer you next summer, and so we will not be recruiting you for the 2008 summer programs. Both your direct supervisors and I were concerned that your emotional volatility did not allow you to have the necessary professional distance between you and the students on your hall. Your second session student evaluations were also problematic. This has been a difficult decision because we fully recognize your enthusiasm for working at CTY...
Thank you for your contributions to CTY this summer. We wish you the best.

Wow, talk about shit hitting the fan. See, I usually keep the fan running on high, so as you can see or smell, that's a lot of shit hitting the walls - and I have white walls. I should have hired a different interior decorator. Maybe I should have bought a fan that didn't attract shit.

Before I say anything about the letter, I want to say something about CTY. I loved CTY. There has never been a job that I enjoyed doing more. I loved the kids, I loved working with the people I worked with, and I love the challenges it provided. However, I guess it doesn't love me - a pattern I am starting to recognize everywhere. CTY taught me that I could work with people who were radically different than me. I came to love people I never thought I could love. Secondly, the memories I made are ones that are going to last a lifetime. I hope a lifetime. I grew attached to my students because many of them came from homes that weren't the best. I loved them because no one else would, and because of my emotions, I have been booted off the island.

After the summer session is over, parents and others can comment on any aspect of the program and these comments are taken into consideration. I guess some people made too many comments about me. "He didn't treat my son the way he treated everyone else." Well, maybe if your son didn't make blow job gestures than I would have been nicer. Maybe if your son didn't make grotesque dolls out of duct tape, I would have accepted him better. Maybe if your son learned to respect other cultures, I would have asked him how his day was going more often. Yes, I did become "close" to some of the guys on the floor. I didn't do anything wrong with them. I was friendly with them because they didn't treat me like shit. I care about the people I work for, with, and who I have to take care of. Yes, I am guilty for being emotional. My faith calls me to be compassionate. I guess my faith isn't accepted at CTY. Can you believe the nerve of my 19 year old SRA, "You need to be less emotional." That's easy for someone who was a self-indulging Hedonist.

Sure I had some run-ins with some of the people I worked with, but they were being dicks. It wore on my pretty fast, but I guess I got to pay for it, too. Maybe it was the fact that I wanted to tell the "Blue Balls" story the first night I got there. The story is a lot less vulgar than something of the things that were going on during CTY. Maybe it was the fact that I told my boss that I was attracted to her. Everyone else thought she was attracted to me, too. I guess that's a mistake I am willing to make. I am glad I had the balls to tell her. I am a blunt person. I am not going to sit on my hands and wait for things to blow over. I just don't live my life that way.

Then again, maybe I was just too depressed to do anything useful. Maybe they hated the way I acted. Maybe they couldn't deal with the fact that I make an ass of myself so that everyone else can relax.

Whatever, this letter shook me to the bone. Why? Because no matter what, I loved the job. And I guess I thought I did the job pretty damn well. What I can't believe is the way people treated me. During the summer they would say how I was doing a wonderful job or how they enjoyed working with me. I guess I am a gullible dipshit. But the nerve of some people, you tell people one thing and then you mean a completely different thing.

I just wish they wouldn't have been so foggy with their description of what I did wrong. How the hell am I supposed to change my behavior? And why wouldn't you give me a second chance? Did I do something that awful? Maybe I just get stuck with awful kids, or maybe I just don't know how to interact with kids that don't know Christ.

There are a lot of maybes and few answers.

Yes, the tone of this blog is meant to be angry. I am angry, I am broken, and I am just too frustrated to think clear headed. I just thought I had something to offer.

What frustrates me the most is the tone of the letter. It sounded as if they didn't want me to contribute anything to CTY...ever. I mean, they freaking ended it with "Thank you for your contributions to CTY this summer. We wish you the best." First off, they obviously aren't thankful for my contributions - they FIRED ME! Second, "We wish you the best." The best of what? Luck? "We wish you the best therapy money can buy." Obviously they think I am incompetent. But because the job has always been kind to me, I thought, what the hell, maybe I will give them some money if I ever make any. But I won't now. I mean, they really don't care about me, do they? Or maybe they do? I don't know, but I can kind of tell that they don't want me involved in any way. I wish it wasn't this way.

On the other hand, God knows what he is doing with me. He knows I have something greater in my future. However, I just wish I didn't have this awful letter to deliver that news.

I am a DNR - DO NOT REHIRE. Damn, never thought three letters would hurt me so much.

With much confusion and frustration,

Christian Eriksson

Sex

2007-12-10T19:29:00.000-05:00

It's a thought I can't seem to shake. Our culture has been saturated with sexual images, jokes, and desires. Our culture has been defined by sex.

I was reading someone's facebook note, and they were talking about the amount of sexual exposure Americans live with. They naively stated that we are exposed to sex twice in a day. I wish that was the case.

Sex is used to sell everything. Magazines (and I am not talking about Playboy) - Rolling Stones often features a nude celebrity on its cover, fitness magazines try to appease to the "thin is perfect" mentality, and the list drags on forever. Music has become the cesspool for sex. Lyrics endlessly refer to sexual acts or the desire for sex. And that's just the music. Musical advertisement involves music videos with scantly clad women, CD artwork contains risqué material, and some concerts are sponsored by condom companies. Cars are sold because a beautiful babe is riding in the passenger seat. Whenever I see a car commercial from a local car distributor, I am not enticed into buying one of their cars - there is no appeal. However, there are national car commercials were their is the promise of sexual gratification and I am hooked. Clothing companies are showing less to sell more. Abercombie and Fitch's website includes a model photo gallery. If one was to navigate the gallery, it would be almost impossible to tell if the site sold clothes. Television has resorted to reality shows focused on the sexual nature of individuals. Americans watch "Big Brother" in hopes of couples hooking up. We crave relationships that lack real intimacy. One night stands become "cool" experiences, but couples devoted to courting have been looked down upon. Beer commercials exploit both men and women. Average men can only meet beautiful women if they are drunk (Knocked Up), and "average" women look beautiful only if men are drunk. Spring break celebrates wet t-shirt competitions, bikini contests, and beer pong. Bigger has become better. Plastic has replaced flesh. Sex has infiltrated every aspect of our international society.

Yet, the question still remains, what do we as Christians do?

Psalm 119:9-16
How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.
Praise be to you, O LORD;
teach me your decrees.
With my lips I recount
all the laws that come from your mouth.
I rejoice in following your statutes
as one rejoices in great riches.
I meditate on your precepts
and consider your ways.
I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word.

How do we make this passage real in our present life? It isn't easy to respond to this question. And I am more less asking because I don't know the answer. My mind always drifts to sex. Whether it is pornography, jokes, or just lustful curiosity - it doesn't matter, it's sin. How do we escape the inevitable sexual barrage? If your right eye causes you to stumble, cut it out. Maybe we should cut it out so we don't stumble.

If we remove sex from our culture, how much would remain standing?

With much love and confusion,

Christian Eriksson

Taxi 646

2007-11-19T00:32:00.001-05:00

The last few months have been extremely difficult. The last year has been life changing. I no longer see events or people in the same light. My eyes have seen more than my heart will ever comprehend. As each day passes by, I just can't help but thank God for the grace he has showered upon us. My whole life I grew up thinking God's grace was given to people who truly needed it. I did not consider myself to be one of those people. I was a meritist. I believed living the perfect life. Salvation was a call from imperfection to a more attainable perfection. This notion is deadly and dangerous. Perfection will come, but not in this time. What scared me the most about this sort of thinking was individualism. It's only by God's grace that I have been called to be a child of God. Nothing I have done has merited heaven. Salvation isn't the product of my works, but rather, the Holy Spirit's convicting and calling nature. Praise be to God that I was never in control of my soul for I was bound on a one way train to hell.

As I reflect on my gradual change to reformed thinking, I cannot help but think about the hardships I have and am dealing with - especially in the realm of dating at Geneva. Doors are cracked opened, but they are shut as fast as they are opened. My hand reaches through the crack in hopes of finding someone to grab hold of, but instead, there is someone forcing my hand away. The door has been opened by my own selfish desires. God's on the other side shutting it. Why enter into something God has no intention for me to enter? I must learn to submit to his will.

Let me express this through another analogy. Imagine yourself in a dark room. The only thing you desire is a light. As you stand in the corner of the room, afraid to move for fear of what lies within the room, you see a light. You start to head for it, but when you reach the window you realize that the light is only a car driving down the road. It vanishes. And again, you are left in the dark. In some ways, this is the dating world at Geneva. It's frustrating.

However, the older I get the more I understand what I desire in life - and in a spouse. My response may sound shallow and many of my friends think it is, but hear me out. I love movies, music, and literature. If a woman doesn't have these same interests, I find it very unlikely that the relationship would work out well. I love these things because I would love to do something regarding them - make a film, write a song, or complete a novel. If a woman doesn't share these interests, how can she truly support me? Now with that said, I do not look for just these three items. There is so much more involved in a healthy relationship. I desire to be with someone who loves their family, who loves my family and I love her family, and someone who devoted to God (and hold similar theological beliefs that I hold). It's hard to find someone at Geneva who fits these criteria.

As the doors quickly slam shut, I start to realize that Christ has someone else in mind. Most likely I will meet someone outside the Geneva "bubble." The idea of Geneva being a "bubble" is disconcerting. In a recent issue of our school's newspaper, the Cabinet, the following question was asked, "How does inner-bubble dating differ from outer-bubble dating?" The question was not a good question. But two responses really illuminate the naiveness of a lot of people at Geneva. First response was "I think it's more comfortable to date inside the Geneva bubble because of the sense that everyone's a Christian and comes from similar backgrounds." This statement came from a sophomore male. Not everyone at Geneva is a Christian. Secondly, we do not all come from the same background. There are many unsaved students and faculty wandering the dorms and classrooms of Geneva. It is naive thinking to believe that a Christian school accepts only Christians. Likewise, all students do not have similar backgrounds. We have students from other countries and other states. We have students who grew up in cities and some who grew up in small towns. We have students from loving homes and we have students from broken homes.

The second response to the question was "I think it's easier to date inside the bubble because there's more of a chance of finding someone who's a Christian and believes similar things as you. People outside the bubble are bad news." This response comes from a sophomore girl. Her first sentence is verily accurate. With a collective setting one is more likely to meet someone who is interested in the same things. My qualm lies in the second statement. People outside the bubble are not bad news. This over generalization just shows the narrow mindedness of some Christians. People outside the bubble are sinners just like the rest of us. In fact, Christians live outside the bubble. The bad news doesn't live without the bubble, it lies within it. Think about it, if you fart outside is it overwhelming? No. However, when you fart inside a bubble, it's excruciatingly unbearable.

These sorts of responses have only reaffirmed the idea of waiting until I graduate to date. I am just a "post college" guy. What I mean is this, I think I possess the qualities that women are looking for after they graduate. They want to date the cool guy when they first enter college, but after college, they want a guy that will be chill, provide for them, and who will guide them spiritually. I would like to think I have these things. But then again, I am still working on them.

I've said enough...for now. I would like to leave you with a song I wrote a couple of days ago. The song's message deals with all of these issues, but it strongly reflects the disappointment of "false hope." The song may seem really depressing, but in a way, it shimmers with some hope. To find peace, I sometimes have to metaphorically kill myself. With all that said, I just keep on reminding myself that one day one of those cars will pull into my driveway. The song is called Taxi 646 (don't ask about the title).

Taxi 646

I shot myself in the head.
Still wondering why I'm not dead.
The bullet ricochets inside.
I'm walking, longing to die.
Death has never been kind to me.
I stumble through the crowd blindly.
I breakdown in front of my home;
The cold knob is just a reminder,
Everything inside is empty and alone.

Chorus:

The town's to my back,
The wind in my face,
But I've been here before,
Whispering for grace.
I'm the shadow offspring
Of two lights in love.

The Crows are screaming in the trees,
And again I fall to my knees.
I know I've been here before;
Last time she left through the door.
I am left with nothing of everything.
All I ever wanted to be was the rain king.
Now I'm begging for one last cigarette.
The devil's dancing on my head,
Reminding me of everything I regret.

Chorus:

The town's to my back,
The wind in my face,
But I've been here before,
Whispering for grace.
I'm the shadow offspring
Of two lights in love.

Then the rain creates an angel,
But it's only an empty shell.
Once again I'm left with everything and nothing.
My arms beg to hold anything, something.
Fluttering in the sky is another feather,
Remnants of something much better.
I climb into the cab to get away;
Sorrow and I split the fare.
"To the withering desert," I say.

Bridge:

Happiness lies in the next town.
I just gotta let go for now.
Eventually it'll come around.
Until then I'll weep in the lights
Of those who shine bright
So the glow may reach my corner, someday.

La dada da, La dada da da

Chorus:

The town's to my back,
The wind in my face,
But I've been here before,
Whispering for grace.
I'm the shadow offspring
Of two lights in love.