Taxi 646

The last few months have been extremely difficult. The last year has been life changing. I no longer see events or people in the same light. My eyes have seen more than my heart will ever comprehend. As each day passes by, I just can't help but thank God for the grace he has showered upon us. My whole life I grew up thinking God's grace was given to people who truly needed it. I did not consider myself to be one of those people. I was a meritist. I believed living the perfect life. Salvation was a call from imperfection to a more attainable perfection. This notion is deadly and dangerous. Perfection will come, but not in this time. What scared me the most about this sort of thinking was individualism. It's only by God's grace that I have been called to be a child of God. Nothing I have done has merited heaven. Salvation isn't the product of my works, but rather, the Holy Spirit's convicting and calling nature. Praise be to God that I was never in control of my soul for I was bound on a one way train to hell.

As I reflect on my gradual change to reformed thinking, I cannot help but think about the hardships I have and am dealing with - especially in the realm of dating at Geneva. Doors are cracked opened, but they are shut as fast as they are opened. My hand reaches through the crack in hopes of finding someone to grab hold of, but instead, there is someone forcing my hand away. The door has been opened by my own selfish desires. God's on the other side shutting it. Why enter into something God has no intention for me to enter? I must learn to submit to his will.

Let me express this through another analogy. Imagine yourself in a dark room. The only thing you desire is a light. As you stand in the corner of the room, afraid to move for fear of what lies within the room, you see a light. You start to head for it, but when you reach the window you realize that the light is only a car driving down the road. It vanishes. And again, you are left in the dark. In some ways, this is the dating world at Geneva. It's frustrating.

However, the older I get the more I understand what I desire in life - and in a spouse. My response may sound shallow and many of my friends think it is, but hear me out. I love movies, music, and literature. If a woman doesn't have these same interests, I find it very unlikely that the relationship would work out well. I love these things because I would love to do something regarding them - make a film, write a song, or complete a novel. If a woman doesn't share these interests, how can she truly support me? Now with that said, I do not look for just these three items. There is so much more involved in a healthy relationship. I desire to be with someone who loves their family, who loves my family and I love her family, and someone who devoted to God (and hold similar theological beliefs that I hold). It's hard to find someone at Geneva who fits these criteria.

As the doors quickly slam shut, I start to realize that Christ has someone else in mind. Most likely I will meet someone outside the Geneva "bubble." The idea of Geneva being a "bubble" is disconcerting. In a recent issue of our school's newspaper, the Cabinet, the following question was asked, "How does inner-bubble dating differ from outer-bubble dating?" The question was not a good question. But two responses really illuminate the naiveness of a lot of people at Geneva. First response was "I think it's more comfortable to date inside the Geneva bubble because of the sense that everyone's a Christian and comes from similar backgrounds." This statement came from a sophomore male. Not everyone at Geneva is a Christian. Secondly, we do not all come from the same background. There are many unsaved students and faculty wandering the dorms and classrooms of Geneva. It is naive thinking to believe that a Christian school accepts only Christians. Likewise, all students do not have similar backgrounds. We have students from other countries and other states. We have students who grew up in cities and some who grew up in small towns. We have students from loving homes and we have students from broken homes.

The second response to the question was "I think it's easier to date inside the bubble because there's more of a chance of finding someone who's a Christian and believes similar things as you. People outside the bubble are bad news." This response comes from a sophomore girl. Her first sentence is verily accurate. With a collective setting one is more likely to meet someone who is interested in the same things. My qualm lies in the second statement. People outside the bubble are not bad news. This over generalization just shows the narrow mindedness of some Christians. People outside the bubble are sinners just like the rest of us. In fact, Christians live outside the bubble. The bad news doesn't live without the bubble, it lies within it. Think about it, if you fart outside is it overwhelming? No. However, when you fart inside a bubble, it's excruciatingly unbearable.

These sorts of responses have only reaffirmed the idea of waiting until I graduate to date. I am just a "post college" guy. What I mean is this, I think I possess the qualities that women are looking for after they graduate. They want to date the cool guy when they first enter college, but after college, they want a guy that will be chill, provide for them, and who will guide them spiritually. I would like to think I have these things. But then again, I am still working on them.

I've said enough...for now. I would like to leave you with a song I wrote a couple of days ago. The song's message deals with all of these issues, but it strongly reflects the disappointment of "false hope." The song may seem really depressing, but in a way, it shimmers with some hope. To find peace, I sometimes have to metaphorically kill myself. With all that said, I just keep on reminding myself that one day one of those cars will pull into my driveway. The song is called Taxi 646 (don't ask about the title).

Taxi 646

I shot myself in the head.
Still wondering why I'm not dead.
The bullet ricochets inside.
I'm walking, longing to die.
Death has never been kind to me.
I stumble through the crowd blindly.
I breakdown in front of my home;
The cold knob is just a reminder,
Everything inside is empty and alone.

Chorus:

The town's to my back,
The wind in my face,
But I've been here before,
Whispering for grace.
I'm the shadow offspring
Of two lights in love.

The Crows are screaming in the trees,
And again I fall to my knees.
I know I've been here before;
Last time she left through the door.
I am left with nothing of everything.
All I ever wanted to be was the rain king.
Now I'm begging for one last cigarette.
The devil's dancing on my head,
Reminding me of everything I regret.

Chorus:

The town's to my back,
The wind in my face,
But I've been here before,
Whispering for grace.
I'm the shadow offspring
Of two lights in love.

Then the rain creates an angel,
But it's only an empty shell.
Once again I'm left with everything and nothing.
My arms beg to hold anything, something.
Fluttering in the sky is another feather,
Remnants of something much better.
I climb into the cab to get away;
Sorrow and I split the fare.
"To the withering desert," I say.

Bridge:

Happiness lies in the next town.
I just gotta let go for now.
Eventually it'll come around.
Until then I'll weep in the lights
Of those who shine bright
So the glow may reach my corner, someday.

La dada da, La dada da da

Chorus:

The town's to my back,
The wind in my face,
But I've been here before,
Whispering for grace.
I'm the shadow offspring
Of two lights in love.